The ‘Best-Self’ technique is one of the many tools that I provide to my clients when they are facing divorce. Divorce has become a reality for many people. It can affect your relationships with family members, your co-workers and others you interact with on a daily basis. When my clients are not their ‘Best-Self’, they are short-tempered, sleep-deprived and angry. They blame their divorce as the mitigating factor. It is human nature and sometimes easier to put the blame on someone or something. However, as a Divorce Coach, I help my clients re-discover their ‘Best-Self’ and put their energy into positive behaviour and actions.
If you want to provide your lawyer with clear instructions, review court materials and be present in your divorce case, you have to be your ‘Best-Self’.
So take out a pen and paper or start typing on your smartphone:
1) Think of 3 people in your life that you admire. Write down their names and their positive attributes of why they inspire you.
For example, one of my clients said they are being their ‘Best-Self’ when they are compassionate, organized and joyful. These are the attributes that my client saw in her sister, co-worker and nephew. If you recognize these positive attributes in others, it means that you also got them too. These important people in client’s life shared the same attributes as my client which allowed her to move forward with her divorce. I often tell my clients that if they are not being their ‘Best-Self’, to simply remember how these people inspired them to begin with. You can use your energy and positive attributes to find resilience in your divorce process.
2) Think of 3 attributes when you feel like you are not your ‘Best-Self’.
For example, one of my clients said that they are impatient and short-tempered when they are not being their ‘Best-Self’. Remember: nobody can make you feel anything. You are responsible for your own feelings, behaviours and actions. Being angry at your ex-spouse or the divorce process can be exhausting and often creates an emotional barrier for you to move forward. Instead, consider using the ‘Best-Self’ technique to improve your physical and emotional well-being. Once you acknowledge the negative attributes and how it makes you feel, then you will make sure that you never feel that way again.
3) If you don’t know what attributes you project when you are not your ‘Best-Self’, ask your friend, co-worker or family member to provide you with some constructive feedback.
We spend most of our time with our co-workers and family members. They know our hot buttons, weaknesses and strengths. If you have someone that you can confide in and give you their honest feedback, then reach out to them and ask them to let you know when you are not being your ‘Best-Self’. These people are genuinely concerned for your well-being and want the best outcome for you in your divorce. Don’t be afraid to lean onto your support system.
My clients sometimes say things that they later regret. They sometimes are quick to judge and blame others for their behaviours and actions. As a Divorce Coach, I encourage my clients to take the time to re-discover their ‘Best-Self’. I tell them that they never lost those positive attributes that made them the person that they are today. You can be a better person every day for yourself and loved ones. You can make better choices in your divorce and feel confident to move forward if you keep using the ‘Best-Self’ technique.
Cris Lam is a Certified Divorce Coach and Senior Law Clerk at Benmor Family Law Group
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