John Gottman (born April 26, 1942) is an American psychologist and professor emeritus of psychology at the University of Washington. His research focuses on marital stability and divorce prediction through relationship analyses. He founded Affective Software Inc., a program for marriage and relationship counseling.
Gottman’s research on predicting divorce is based on the physiological and behavioural patterns of couples. In his study, he observes couples in a simulated home environment, monitors their physiological responses, and analyzes their interactions to predict relationship stability. His key findings include:
Physiological Reactivity in Calm Conversations: Couples who are likely to divorce often appear calm on the surface but exhibit significant physiological arousal (similar to being in a stressful or threatening situation). This signals underlying unresolved tension and resentment. Their calm conversation is more about avoiding conflict than genuine communication.
The Role of Everyday Interactions: Gottman highlights how small, seemingly trivial interactions reveal deeper relationship dynamics. For example, when one partner points out a bird outside (a minor positive bid for attention), the other partner’s response can fall into one of four categories:
1. Positive Response: Engaging with interest and care.
2. Dismissive Response: Showing disinterest or contempt.
3. Subtle Contempt (Passive Aggression): Responding with a sigh or non-verbal rejection.
4. Active Rejection: Expressing outright disdain or irritation.
Resentment as a Predictor: Contempt and passive-aggressive responses indicate deeper, unresolved issues that have built up over time. These responses are laden with unspoken frustration and disappointment, which increase physiological stress in both partners.
Successful Couples Respond Positively: In contrast, stable couples engage with each other’s “bids for connection” in a positive way, maintaining an overall pattern of mutual support and affection. This requires ongoing effort, emotional regulation, and working through underlying issues to avoid accumulating resentment.
The Unconscious Structure of Relationships: In this video, renowned psychologist Dr. Jordan Peterson presents Gottman’s work and how he interprets the underlying tension in struggling couples as a poorly structured and unresolved emotional hierarchy (i.e. their “unconscious” relationship patterns). Successful couples actively negotiate and make this structure explicit and functional, which prevents hidden grievances from undermining their connection.
In short, how partners respond to each other’s small bids for connection (like noticing a bird) can reveal whether the relationship is built on mutual affection or layered resentment. Those who respond with genuine care and attentiveness foster lasting relationships, while subtle contempt predicts future dissolution.
Share this article on: