Separation and divorce are among the most emotionally charged and life-altering experiences a person can face. They don’t just mark the end of a relationship; they often challenge deeply held beliefs about identity, family, security, and the future.
At the heart of this experience lies one powerful force that many people don’t immediately recognize: expectations.
We all carry expectations – about ourselves, our partners, the legal process and how divorce should unfold.
During separation or divorce, these expectations are often shattered, intensified, or thrown into conflict. This is precisely why working with an Accredited Divorce Coach is not a luxury, but an essential form of support for navigating the journey and making sound, healthy decisions.
Expectations shape how we interpret events, manage emotions, and respond to challenges. In a marriage or long-term relationship, expectations can include beliefs such as:
- “This relationship was supposed to last forever.”
- “They should understand me without me having to explain.”
- “I should be able to handle this on my own.”
- “Divorce means I’ve failed.”
When separation or divorce happens, these expectations collide with reality. The gap between what we expected and what is happening can create intense emotional distress – stress, anxiety, anger, shame, grief, and fear about the future.
Much like the holiday season, when people often feel the weight of unmet expectations, divorce magnifies these feelings. There is pressure to make the “right” decisions, protect children, stay strong, be fair, move on quickly, and somehow emerge unscathed. These unrealistic expectations can cloud judgment and make an already difficult process far more painful.
Rigid or unrealistic expectations during divorce can significantly affect mental well-being:
- Stress and overwhelm arise when someone expects themselves to be emotionally strong, logical, and composed at all times.
- Anxiety grows when outcomes feel uncertain and the person believes everything must turn out a certain way.
- Disappointment and frustration surface when the process doesn’t go as planned – legally, financially, or emotionally.
- Low self-esteem can develop when someone blames themselves for the breakdown of the relationship.
- Strained communication often occurs when one or both parties expect the other to behave, agree, or change in ways that simply aren’t realistic.
These emotional pressures don’t just affect how someone feels – they directly impact the decisions they make about finances, parenting, housing, and their future.
Enter Your Personal Divorce Coach
An Accredited Divorce Coach is trained specifically to support people through separation and divorce from an emotional, practical, and decision-making perspective. Unlike friends or family – who often bring their own opinions, biases, and expectations – a Divorce Coach provides structured, neutral, and professional guidance.
One of the first things a Divorce Coach helps with is identifying the silent “rules” and expectations driving distress:
- “I should already be over this.”
- “My ex should be more reasonable.”
- “Why is this taking so long”
- “This shouldn’t be this hard.”
- “Can I trust my lawyer”
- “I must not make any mistakes.”
- “Does divorce really cost this much”
By gently questioning where these expectations come from – society, family, personal beliefs – your personal Divorce Coach helps you determine whether those expectations are realistic, helpful, or aligned with your true values. This clarity alone can significantly reduce emotional suffering. It definitely will save you money, because expensive mistakes can be avoided.
Acceptance is one of the most powerful tools during divorce. Acceptance does not mean approving of what happened, or giving up on the future. It means acknowledging reality as it is, rather than exhausting yourself fighting what you cannot change.
Your Personal Divorce Coach helps you move from:
- “Why is this happening to me”
to
- “This is happening, and I know exactly how to respond.”
This shift creates emotional space for calmer thinking, better communication, and wiser decisions – especially when emotions are running high. Divorce often requires making major, life-altering decisions while under extreme emotional strain. Expectations, fear, and resentment can easily drive reactive choices that later lead to regret.
Your Personal Divorce Coach will help:
- Slow down impulsive reactions
- Separate emotions from decisions
- Focus on long-term outcomes rather than short-term relief
- Stay aligned with personal values and priorities
This is particularly important when children are involved, as decisions made during emotional turmoil can have lasting effects on family dynamics. Accredited Divorce Coaches draw on evidence-based strategies such as mindfulness, cognitive behavioural techniques, boundary-setting, and self-compassion. These tools help clients:
- Notice unhelpful thought patterns without being controlled by them
- Challenge rigid thinking and replace it with flexible perspectives
- Let go of people-pleasing and external approval
- Set realistic, adaptable goals for the next chapter of life
Rather than feeling stuck in the past, or fearful of the future, clients working with Divorce Coaches learn how to stay grounded in the present and respond thoughtfully to change. Divorce is not a one-time event; it’s a process with emotional ups and downs. A Divorce Coach helps clients build resilience – the ability to recover from setbacks and keep moving forward. Equally important is self-compassion. Many people are incredibly hard on themselves during divorce. Your personal Divorce Coach will encourage kinder self-talk, reminding you that learning, healing, and growth are not linear – and that mistakes do not define your worth.
Divorce doesn’t have to follow a perfect plan in life. But it does require support, clarity, and intentional choices. Working with an Accredited Divorce Coach ensures that, even during one of life’s most difficult transitions, you are not walking the path alone – and that the decisions you make are informed, thoughtful, and aligned with who you are becoming.
Steve Benmor, B.Sc., LL.B., LL.M. (Family Law), C.S., Cert.F.Med., C.Arb., FDRP PC, Acc.D.C., is the founder and principal lawyer of Benmor Family Law Group, a boutique matrimonial law firm in downtown Toronto. He is a Certified Specialist in Family Law, a Certified Specialist in Parenting Coordination and was admitted as a Fellow to the prestigious International Academy of Family Lawyers. Steve is regularly retained as a Divorce Mediator/Arbitrator and Parenting Coordinator. Steve uses his 30 years of in-depth knowledge of family law, court-room experience and expert problem-solving skills in Divorce Mediation/Arbitration to help spouses reach fair, fast and cooperative divorce settlements without the financial losses, emotional costs and lengthy delays from divorce court.
Steve is also the President of DCAO.ca , Divorce Coaches Association of Ontario, Canada’s first and only professional association giving Divorce Coaches a professional community to learn and grow from and also giving the public – regular people who are ending their relationship – access to the very best Divorce Coaches such as Wendy Rovers, Leanne Townsend, Jackie Santin, Stacey Mendelson Heather Tannenbaum, Jennifer Donison and Leona Harvie.
Editorial note: This article was first published on LinkedIn on January 1, 2026 and is republished here for reference.
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