In her remarkable memoir, “Clam Down,” Anelise Chen navigates the tumultuous aftermath of her divorce with introspective elegance and a touch of whimsy.
The narrative unfolds around the Chen’s transformation into a metaphorical clam, a journey prompted by a humorous typo from her mother’s persistent texts during her divorce to “clam down.” It was a typo: she meant to type “calm down”.
This seemingly innocuous typo plunges Chen into a deep exploration of retreating from the breakdown of her marriage, leading to introspection (aka clamming up), and then finding resilience in seclusion.
Chen likens her divorce journey to the adaptive strategies of clams. She delves into the evolutionary survival tactics of clams, crafting a narrative that blends personal reflection with scientific study. This blend not only enriches the storytelling but also invites readers to reconsider the utility of retreat and introspection in the face of a high conflict and emotionally charged divorce.
After the dissolution of her marriage, Chen envisions herself transformed into a “clam”. The funny, if unhelpful, typo by her mother forces her to ask what it means to “clam down” – to retreat, hide, close up, and stay silent.
Idiomatically, we are said to “clam up” when we can’t speak, and to “come out of our shell” when we re-emerge, transformed.
Chen jokes in her writing that “Everyone knows it’s useless to tell an upset person to calm down, but clam down was always a hoot.”
A clam neither flees nor turns on its attacker but lies quiet and defenseless within its hard shell. She ponders whether clamming down during her marriage could have insulated her from divorce. Instead of opening her mouth to spew seawater or sand, if she swallowed whatever was bothering her and worried about it under her tongue, maybe her marriage would have lasted.
“Clam Down” is a meditation on resilience, vulnerability, and the transformative power of solitude. Chen’s ability to merge the personal and the universal transforms what could have been a straightforward story of divorce recovery into a profound exploration of identity and healing.
This book is a testament to the clam-like resilience of the human spirit and a lesson on how a person can be ‘as happy as a clam’ after divorce.
Steve Benmor, B.Sc., LL.B., LL.M. (Family Law), C.S., Cert.F.Med., C.Arb., FDRP PC, is the founder and principal lawyer of Benmor Family Law Group, a boutique matrimonial law firm in downtown Toronto. He is a Certified Specialist in Family Law, a Certified Specialist in Parenting Coordination and was admitted as a Fellow to the prestigious International Academy of Family Lawyers. Steve is regularly retained as a Divorce Mediator/Arbitrator and Parenting Coordinator. Steve uses his 30 years of in-depth knowledge of family law, court-room experience and expert problem-solving skills in Divorce Mediation/Arbitration to help spouses reach fair, fast and cooperative divorce settlements without the financial losses, emotional costs and lengthy delays from divorce court.
Editorial note: This article was first published in June 2025. It is republished here for reference.
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