Divorce is undeniably one of life’s most challenging transitions, often accompanied by emotional distress and uncertainty.
In my role at Benmor Family Law Group, I work closely with separating spouses as they navigate this complex process. While I don’t decide if, why, or when a couple divorces, I support them in understanding how the process can unfold—and how different communication and conflict styles can shape that journey.
How separating spouses manage the conflict inherent in divorce varies widely, often influenced by their personality, life experiences, and conflict-management style.
During my time working with divorcing spouses, I’ve observed five distinct conflict-management styles.
1. The Avoidant Spouse: Avoidant spouses shy away from conflict. They may delay discussions, hoping the issues will resolve themselves with the passage of time, or they simply wish to side-step uncomfortable confrontations. While avoiding conflict can provide them with temporary relief, unresolved issues tend to fester, build angst and potentially complicate matters later in the divorce process.
2. The Competitive Spouse: This is when spouses adopt a competitive style in divorce negotiations. They see the outcome as a win-lose scenario. They prioritize their own interests and outcomes over those of their ex-partner and, in some cases, their children. This approach can lead to contentious legal battles and prolonged disputes, as each spouse seeks to maximize their gains at the expense of the other’s loss.
3. The Accommodating Spouse: This is when spouses accommodate everything the other demands. They prioritize harmony and approval at the expense of their own needs—even the best interests of their children. These spouses place a great emphasis on mutual understanding and creating win-win outcomes. They are often attuned to their own, each other’s, and their children’s emotional needs. Their empathy and healthy communication often lead to fast, inexpensive settlements and positive outcomes for their children.
4. The Dysregulated Spouse: These spouses can struggle to stay emotionally regulated. They may be highly reactive, impulsive, and unpredictable. One moment they want to go to court, and the next they want to ‘give away the farm.’ This unpredictability can make it difficult for their lawyer to receive clear instructions. These spouses may change lawyers frequently and shift direction often, which can create additional challenges in the process.
5. The High Conflict Spouse: These spouses can be among the most difficult to work with during separation. Like the Competitive Spouse, they are focused on “winning”— but with the added goal of ensuring their spouse loses. In some cases, their actions appear intended to cause harm to the other party, even if that comes at the expense of their children’s well-being. They often have a long history of relationship conflict, sometimes shaped by earlier life experiences, such as unresolved trauma or childhood adversity. These spouses may approach all relationships — including with legal professionals — as adversarial. They typically struggle with compromise and may see themselves as the victim. Blame becomes central to their narrative, often directed at everyone involved: their spouse, the other lawyer, the judge, or even their own legal team. All-or-nothing thinking is common, and they often show little insight into how their own behavior contributes to the conflict. These spouses tend to seek out the most aggressive legal representation, expecting their lawyer to take a combative, winner-takes-all approach.
Understanding these personality profiles is crucial for working in the field of divorce. By recognizing these tendencies, professionals can screen out bad actors and/or adopt strategies that promote personal growth, constructive dialogue and ultimately helps them achieve long-term resolutions.
While every divorce is unique, developing an awareness of these styles can help divorce professionals approach their work with empathy, pragmatism, and a focus on building a stable post-divorce future.
Editorial note: This article was first published on LinkedIn in July 2025 and is republished here for reference.
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