As a divorce lawyer for over 20 years, I have heard of every possible reason for divorce. This has allowed me to wonder why these drivers of divorce were not noticed earlier so that the spouses could rectify the problem, minimize their effects on the health of the relationship and achieve a long-term healthy partnership, thus avoiding the need for a divorce.
In every family unit, the most important relationship is the relationship between the spouses. Whether the spouses are newlyweds, parents of young children, empty-nesters, same sex couples, retirees, etc., what they all have in common is that they are the core of the family unit. Much like the trunk of the tree is the secure base from which all its branches emanate, the spousal relationship is the core stabilizing force in the family unit.
So why don’t spouses evaluate their marital health, core strength and long term sustainability?
Before a plane takes off, it is carefully checked to ensure that all of its parts are working effectively to ensure the safe arrival of its passengers. Before a lengthy road trip, the car is inspected to ensure that it is roadworthy and can manage the journey. Before travelling to a remote destination, travellers visit their doctor to ensure that they are healthy and have all of their vaccinations and prescriptions up-to-date.
So why is it that spouses do not undergo a similar type of check-up to ensure that their relationship is healthy, sustainable and stable?
I admit that I am not qualified in psychology, social work, therapy or mental health. I have just observed thousands of divorces, heard their stories and, as a result, formed my own lay opinion of the factors that silently fester, build over time and then trigger divorce. If spouses only considered assessing the status of their relationship and, possibly, solve the early signals of discord, these divorces would have been avoided and replaced with long-term marital prosperity.
Although none of what I write is scientific or empirically tested, I hope this Marriage Check-Up allows spouses to strengthen their partnership and achieve long term happiness.
So here we go with my Marriage Check-Up.
Answer these questions and then tally up the numbers.
1. Is your spouse your best friend? Is he or she your go-to-person every time something good or bad happens? Do each of you, equally and reciprocally, aim to fully inform the other of everything going on in life? Or conversely, are you more like two separate individuals conducting your own lives with a few common touch points in between? Are there other go-to-people that you or your spouse reach for when something occurs? Do you keep things inside because you think that your spouse is uninterested in your affairs or busy with other matters? If on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 marks your spouse as your best friend and 1 as a complete stranger, what number do you assign to your spouse?
2. Do you feel like your spouse likes you as a person? Do you feel like your spouse appreciates how you think and feel? Does your spouse brag about you to his or her friends and family? Does your spouse hold you in high regard? Or conversely, do you feel criticized and put down by your spouse?
Do you feel misunderstood and unappreciated? If on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 represents your spouse thinking of you as a hero and 1 as a loser, what number do you assign to your spouse
3. Do you trust your spouse? Do you feel that your spouse trusts you? How does your spouse handle your vulnerability? In fact, do you feel comfortable exposing your vulnerability to your spouse? Are you ever left regretting that you revealed your feelings and desires? Is your level of mistrust of your spouse high? If on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 represents your complete and unconditional trust in your spouse and 1 represents no trust at all, what number do you assign to your spouse?
4. Do you enjoy socializing with your spouse? Do you look forward to your evenings and weekends together? Are you always thinking about the next event, activity or vacation together? When you are actually in an activity together or away together, are you happy, content and at peace? Conversely, are you constantly making plans with others, avoiding events with your spouse or passing on any travel opportunities together? If on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 stands for your excitement to be together and 1 for having no interest in spending time alone together, what number do you assign to your spouse?
5. What is holding you two together? If you were to eliminate your common ties such as your home, your friends, your family members and, of course, your children, from the bonds of your relationship, would you to still be together? Or, conversely, is the only reason that you two are together because you are the parents of your children? Are you still in your marriage because you refuse to cause your children to suffer from your divorce? Are you fearful of the financial consequences of separating? Are the reasons why you two are together the same reasons that brought you together at the very beginning of your relationship? Is the same love, respect, appreciation and love that existed when the relationship started still there today? If on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 represents the same or a higher connection to your spouse and 1 represents the loss of any such tie to your spouse, separate from your children and joint financial interests, what number do you assign to the bond with your spouse?
Now that you have completed my Marriage Check-Up, I admit that there is no real substance to the numbers that you have assigned to these questions, other than to make you think long and hard about these questions. Suffice it to say that if the answers to these questions results in a score of 50, then you should be writing this article, more-so a how-to-book, and be on a world speaking tour improving the lives of families and spouses.
For now, I will continue to give legal advice to spouses who schedule appointments to see me to discuss the ending of their marriage. I will continue listening to the stories that have caused me to write this article. I will also continue to challenge my clients on their decision to separate, hoping to cause them to reevaluate the benefits of marriage counselling and the need to regularly evaluate the health of their marriage and eliminate any marital discord.
Editorial Note: Originally published in 2019, this article reflects Steve Benmor’s perspective as a seasoned divorce lawyer. Based on decades of client experience—not clinical research—this “Marriage Check-Up” is a practical tool meant to help couples reflect on their relationship health before conflict escalates. The guidance remains relevant for anyone invested in strengthening their partnership today.
Steve Benmor, B.Sc., LL.B., LL.M. (Family Law), C.S., Cert.F.Med., C.Arb., FDRP PC, is the founder and principal lawyer of Benmor Family Law Group, a boutique matrimonial law firm in downtown Toronto. He is a Certified Specialist in Family Law, a Certified Specialist in Parenting Coordination and was admitted as a Fellow to the prestigious International Academy of Family Lawyers. Steve is regularly retained as a Divorce Mediator/Arbitrator and Parenting Coordinator. Steve uses his 30 years of in-depth knowledge of family law, court-room experience and expert problem-solving skills in Divorce Mediation/Arbitration to help spouses reach fair, fast and cooperative divorce settlements without the financial losses, emotional costs and lengthy delays from divorce court.
Share this article on: