Cognitive Dissonance is an intellectual conflict that occurs when a person’s beliefs do not match their actions.
One example is a smoker who knows that nicotine causes lung cancer but smokes anyways and then later feels guilty.
Divorce lawyers too suffer from Cognitive Dissonance.
When a divorce lawyer sends an aggressive email, misleads a judge or does whatever it takes to ‘win at all costs’, most often that lawyer is aware that such action is wrong but rationalizes that the benefit of so doing is paramount.
This happens when divorce lawyers over-identify with their own client and then accept and internalize the client’s ‘truth’. Such lawyers do a disservice to their client and their client’s family by failing to be the ‘voice of reason’ and the objective advisor. In the last 30 years, I have witnessed lawyers present their client’s narrative in letters, pleadings and in court-room advocacy as though it is the only truth and that there could be no alternative explanation for what occurred between the spouses. Suffice it to say, the lawyers did not witness what occurred with their own eyes and ears. But such lawyers will intentionally or unintentionally rely on that narrative as indisputable and the basis for what they then demand from the other spouse. And so the cycle continues. The other lawyer then counters with their client’s truth, followed by their demands.
In this cycle, Cognitive Dissonance brings lawyers to face a contest between their quest to help their client with their contradictory actions consisting of allegations, accusations and demands.
In the end, everyone loses.
Lawyers need to be far more attuned to their need to remain objective and be the source of sensible counsel. This does not mean that they do not need to be partisan. Of course, they must satisfy their professional and ethical duties to their client. But included in that is the need to do the challenging work in the privacy of the lawyer/client relationship of modifying expectations, objectives and instructions.
According to Psychologist Elliot Aronson*, after we take action, we often tell ourselves a story about why our choice was the right one to make. These rationalizations can sometimes lead us to excuse bad behaviour. But this is very dangerous when this is done to families already in conflict and whom instead need détente.
*Social Psychology, 11th Edition by Elliot Aronson et al., 2020.
Steve Benmor, B.Sc., LL.B., LL.M. (Family Law), C.S., Cert.F.Med., C.Arb., FDRP PC, is the founder and principal lawyer of Benmor Family Law Group, a boutique matrimonial law firm in downtown Toronto. He is a Certified Specialist in Family Law, a Certified Specialist in Parenting Coordination and was admitted as a Fellow to the prestigious International Academy of Family Lawyers. Steve is regularly retained as a Divorce Mediator/Arbitrator and Parenting Coordinator. Steve uses his 30 years of in-depth knowledge of family law, court-room experience and expert problem-solving skills in Divorce Mediation/Arbitration to help spouses reach fair, fast and cooperative divorce settlements without the financial losses, emotional costs and lengthy delays from divorce court.
Share this article on: