People get scared when they hear the D word.
Why?
The answer is simple. Divorce creates uncertainty. It shatters the past state of familiarity and throws the family into a state of chaos and unpredictability.
Where will you live? When will the kids be with you? Will you be able to afford the same standard of living you always had? How will the bills get paid? How will the family’s assets be divided? Will you have to go back to work or quit your job?
For many people, familiarity is safe. Doing something that isn’t familiar often prompts fear. After living with someone for many years, the very idea of that situation being terminated provokes a feeling of fear. For most people, the fear of the unknown is what causes the greatest anxiety.
So what I tell my clients is that they should begin journaling these questions and then writing down what they hope the answers can be. I give this advice to cause my clients to distinguish between what is within their control and what is not. This exercise has been very helpful to many of my clients because it helps them face their fear and develop a plan that provide them with the empowerment to be able to navigate their divorce.
I also tell my clients that, at the beginning of any divorce, there is a very long list of questions with very few answers, BUT by the end of the divorce, there are very few questions because most of them have been answered. Divorce is a journey. It begins with the day the decision has been made. Each spouse and child going through divorce experiences it differently. All along, the uncertainty will be replaced with new routines, a familiar environment and supportive family and friends. One day, the fear will no longer be there.
Editorial Note: Originally published in 2019, this article explores the emotional impact of divorce and offers empowering strategies for managing the fear of uncertainty—insights that remain deeply relevant today.
Steve Benmor, B.Sc., LL.B., LL.M. (Family Law), C.S., Cert.F.Med., C.Arb., FDRP PC, is the founder and principal lawyer of Benmor Family Law Group, a boutique matrimonial law firm in downtown Toronto. He is a Certified Specialist in Family Law, a Certified Specialist in Parenting Coordination and was admitted as a Fellow to the prestigious International Academy of Family Lawyers. Steve is regularly retained as a Divorce Mediator/Arbitrator and Parenting Coordinator. Steve uses his 30 years of in-depth knowledge of family law, court-room experience and expert problem-solving skills in Divorce Mediation/Arbitration to help spouses reach fair, fast and cooperative divorce settlements without the financial losses, emotional costs and lengthy delays from divorce court.
Share this article on: