Divorce mediation is one of many legal processes for separated couples.
While emotions may run high when a couple separate, how a spouse conducts themselves during mediation – from remaining silent to blowing up and everything in between – will make a critical difference in the outcome.
This article aims to guide divorcees on what NOT to say during divorce mediation, how to foster a positive atmosphere for settlement and facilitate a smooth pathway towards a final resolution of all issues.
Now for some examples for what not to say and why:
“You wanted this divorce, so you can pay for it”
Being told that your marriage is over is shocking, painful and confusing. This declaration from your spouse evokes many emotions from anger to blame to revenge. This is entirely human. However, divorce does not need to constitute an act of war. If one spouse takes that approach, it is likely that a war will occur. Mediation is an alternative to war. It is a place to find solutions that are fair, fast and least expensive. Regardless of who initiated the separation, assigning blame or financial responsibility hinders progress towards the next chapter of your life and keeps you stuck. As for blame, Canada is a no-fault divorce nation and so the reason for the divorce is irrelevant. The better option is to focus your energy on moving forward, on what your new life will look like, what you need, and how mediation can be designed to secure your future, instead of dwelling on the past.
“You cheated on me, so our children will live with me.”
Infidelity and adultery are a breach of trust. It really hurts. But such conduct does not mean that the children should be used as a tool of punishment for that breach. The good news is that mediation is an excellent forum to create rules for parenting including the proper means for communication between the parents where there is little trust and if/how new partners are introduced to your children. Parenting mediation is not about payback; it’s about finding the best arrangement for the well-being of your children. Work schedules, parenting styles, and other practical considerations should guide parenting mediation, not blame. Focusing on creating a parenting plan, rather than seeking revenge, is key to a successful mediation.
“I was the one that saved for our retirement, so I should not have to share my assets 50/50.”
Ontario law dictates the equitable distribution of marital assets, including pensions and retirement savings. Even though all assets accumulated during marriage are equalized, mediation allows for creativity in structuring the division of assets, mitigating the reduction of your net worth through the high costs of litigation and preserving the greatest amount of your assets. A qualified mediator can assist in an equitable, customized and tax-sensitive resolution of your assets.
“I do not want to pay spousal support, share my salary, or share my bonus.”
Most people are shocked to discover that marriage and cohabitation creates economic dependency which does not end when the relationship ends. Ontario law governs the determination of spousal support based on specific factors – one of which is that its purpose is to cause the dependent spouse to become financially self-sufficient. It is far more beneficial to address these issues in mediation rather than leaving them to the discretion of a judge. There are many tools available to your mediator to resolve this issue that are not available to a judge.
Successfully navigating divorce mediation requires a positive attitude, professional coaching, rehearsals and careful consideration of what may aggravate the other spouse, causing the mediation to fail.
By embracing cooperation, a settlement orientation and a forward-looking perspective, divorcees can increase the likelihood of a successful mediation process, ultimately paving the way for a healthier post-divorce relationship.
Editorial note: This article was first published on LinkedIn in April 2025 and is republished here for reference.
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