Co-authored by Leanne Townsend and Stephanie Boucher, Registered Psychotherapist & Canadian Certified Counsellor
When a marriage falls apart due to infidelity, should children be shielded from the truth or do they deserve to know? This debate doesn’t have a simple answer. Parents often struggle with how much to share with their children, balancing the need for honesty with protecting their emotional well-being. Long story short, IT DEPENDS. The question is not so much how what we disclose to them, but how do we create a sense of safety and stability for them in a time that feels like stormy waters for everyone involved. While the conversation about the disclosure important, so is the way we frame the truth because a child’s well-being should always come first.
What is Betrayal Trauma and Why is it Relevant?
Betrayal trauma is the trauma resulting from a violation of trust, such as financial betrayal, childhood neglect and infidelity. It impacts one’s nervous system creating feelings of anxiety, anger, sadness and confusion and leaving emotional wounds that can lead to C-PTSD. People who experience betrayal trauma often feel disoriented and unsure of whom they can trust Their trust system has been shattered, leading to significant self-doubt.
Think of betrayal as a boat suddenly losing its railings on the outer edges. Without them, the boat feels unstable, exposed, and at risk of sinking just like we do when trust is broken. The panic of thinking the boat has railings, only to notice it doesn’t while a storm is coming, creates a whirlwind of emotions. In an instance life can go from feeling manageable and stable to chaotic and painful.
Children’s Experience Through Separation and Betrayal.
Parental separation is already a destabilizing experience for children, even without infidelity. The key difference is that their sense of trust remains intact, allowing them to focus on adjusting to the new family dynamics. Children who learn of their parent’s infidelity tend to experience a betrayal trauma of their own after learning that their family structure is not as safe as they once believed. It is not just the people involved in the romantic relationship directly who are impacted by the betrayal. On top of the betrayal they might experience, by proxy, they also tend to internalize the guilt and confusion, believing they contributed to the issue.
Let’s go back to our boat. Children rely on us to keep the boat intact. When we keep it intact, they’re relatively unbothered by the dangers of the open water because parents create a sense of safety patching up the boat, ensuring the railings are strong, and providing stability. Now, think of parental separation as making them aware of the dangers in the open waters, and infidelity as causing them to lose the railing from the boat. Separation alone destabilizes children, but betrayal further shatters their sense of safety. Children can experience the trauma as much as the betrayed partner does and this is important information to be mindful of when considering how much to disclose to them.
Navigating Disclosure: When and How to Talk to Children
Deciding whether to tell children about a separation and infidelity is tough and should be handled carefully, keeping their emotional wellbeing in mind. It’s important to consider their age, maturity, and how much they already understand while balancing honesty with protection. The main goal is to support them and make sure they feel safe in this stormy boat journey.
Collaborating with Both Parents on the Approach
It is not unusual for parents to struggle to collaborate on the approach to take when addressing the infidelity with the shared children. For example, betrayed partners often report wanting to tell the children about the infidelity so they do not appear to be at fault of the separation, or even out of spite. While much compassion can be granted to the betrayed partner and the betrayal trauma they are undergoing, it is important that the focus be on what’s best for the child.
- Define what “best for the child” looks like together, in collaboration.
- Work with a therapist or mediator to navigate the conversation constructively, if needed.
- When discussing the separation, use neutral language (e.g., “We are going through changes as a family” rather than “Your parent betrayed me”).
- If emotions run high for the parents, pause discussions and revisit them later in a more grounded state.
- Avoid undermining each other’s parenting in front of the child because it could make the child feel unsettled.
Appropriate Timing and Content:
The level of detail shared should match the age and maturity level of the child. Younger children might not grasp the concept of infidelity or have the emotional capacity to process complex relationship issues, so explanations should be simple and focused on reassurance. Older children and adolescents might be able to handle more details but still require a sense of safety and emotional support in processing the fallout.
In some cases, children may have already been exposed to details of the infidelity whether by discovering it themselves, overhearing conversations, or learning about it from a friend or family member. In these situations, it’s important to provide clarity, correct any misinformation, and offer emotional support to help them process what they’ve learned in a healthy way. Do not add unnecessary details, and reassure them that they did not do anything to cause the fracture.
Honesty vs. Protection
The biggest debate on this topic is whether to be fully honest or to shield the child from emotional harm. It’s a tough balancing act. Back to our stormy boat ride: your child already feels it rocking. Do you focus on keeping them steady, or do you focus on informing them that the railing is gone? Can both be achieved? Do we focus on one for now and the other at a later time? These are important questions to discuss when negotiating how to disclose the separation and the infidelity to your children. Parents must balance honesty with protection, ensuring children are informed without overwhelming them with adult issues.
Examples of Wording
Here are some examples of wording for younger children in the event of a separation caused by infidelity:
“You might notice that things have felt different between Mom and Dad lately. We have decided to separate because sometimes adults have problems in their relationship that they can’t fix. This is not your fault. We both love you and will always be here for you.”
“Sometimes, moms and dads decide that living in separate homes is best for our family. We both love you very much, and that will never change. Even though things are changing, we are still a family, and we will always take care of you.”
Why this works:
- Keeps the message simple and focused on reassurance.
- Avoids unnecessary details about infidelity that could be confusing.
Here are some examples for older children or children who suspect or know about the infidelity:
“I know you have questions about why we are separating. What I can share is that trust was broken in our marriage, and that has made it hard for us to stay together. I want you to know that even though relationships between parents change, our love for you never will.”
“I understand you’ve heard things about what happened between us. It’s okay to have feelings about it, and I want you to know you can always ask questions. What’s most important is that you know this is not your fault, and both of us will continue to be your parents, no matter what.”
Why this works:
- Acknowledges the betrayal without oversharing.
- Keeps the focus on the child’s emotional safety rather than the details of the infidelity.
- Avoids secrecy while keeping the conversation child-focused.
- Ensures the child is not put in the middle of parental conflict.
Legal Implications of Sharing With Your Children:
If you are in the middle of separation or divorce, you will want to be cautious in what you say to your children, as you don’t want to be accused of trying to influence your children against the other parent. Courts view parents very negatively if they overshare with their children or involve children in what should be adult matters. Using the approach and suggested wording in this article should help protect you from these sorts of allegations.
At the End of the Day
Helping children navigate infidelity’s emotional fallout requires patience, compassion, and careful consideration. At the core of the disclosure process is the consideration of what makes the child feel safer stabilized in the situation while keeping them informed enough to clarify things for them. This include considering the child’s age and maturity level, how much of the situation they are already aware. The boat journey can either simply be shaky and uncomfortable or shake without anything to hold on to and as co-parents, is it up to you to decide what makes the storm more manageable for them.
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