WHAT ARE THE THREE MOST POWERFUL WORDS IN CONFLICT RESOLUTION?

Every month my new issue of Toronto Life lands in my mailbox. Some sections I read cover to cover. Others I skip entirely. But every once in a while, a page stops me cold.

That page is “Dear Urban Diplomat”. It is Toronto Life’s version of Dear Abby where readers send in their dilemmas and an anonymous columnist dispenses frank, sometimes pointed, wisdom.

This month’s “Dear Urban Diplomat” caught my attention (scroll to the bottom to read the complete submission and answer).

A reader asked whether it was appropriate to demand a refund from their marriage counsellor after paying for months of therapy sessions, followed by their partner breaking up with them.

I’ve spent years in the legal profession hearing about disgruntled clients seeking refunds or fee reductions from their divorce lawyers. It’s not uncommon. But asking a marriage counsellor for a refund because the relationship didn’t survive? That’s a first for me.

What struck me most was the Urban Diplomat’s response.

No lengthy analysis.

No hedging.

Just three words to open: “Let it go.”

In law, in business, and in life, we often escalate when we should walk away. We pursue the ‘principle of the thing’ long after the cost – emotional, financial, relational – has exceeded any possible recovery. Sometimes the wisest counsel is also the simplest – “Let it go.”

Maybe the Urban Diplomat should join me in my Mediation/Arbitration practice.

Here is the full text:

“Dear Urban Diplomat,

Is it wrong to ask my couples therapist for a refund? My long-time partner and I hit the skids and sought therapy earlier this year, but after two months, she broke up with me. I paid a mint for this therapist, who always took my partner’s side. So I requested recompense. He denied it by saying that his services “don’t guarantee results”—even though I shelled out for sessions we never got to use. Any advice on how to resolve the situation?
—FISCAL THERAPY, Lambton Baby Point

UD: Let it go. It’s neither healthy nor productive to channel your frustrations with your own interpersonal issues toward a third-party provider. Therapy is about self-reflection, and it sounds like you could use a long look in the mirror. Who knows? If you avoid burning the bridge, maybe this therapist will let you roll those unused sessions over to a future relationship. You may need them.”